Forever
by kestraTroi7
Summary: "I wish I'd known how much you loved me." A Knockout-Rise fanfiction. Please read and review. I'm quite proud of this one.
1. Chapter 1

**Forever**

**I use the Moby song 'Forever' in this. It fits nicely but doesn't affect anything if you choose to ignore it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, or Forever**

Tears. Spilling down her cheeks.

"Stay with me, Kate."

Glassy eyes. Open and afraid.

"Don't leave me, please."

Blood on her gloves. Crimson against white.

"Stay with me, okay?"

Fear. Radiating from the both of them.

"Kate, I love you."

Their world stopped.

He could see it in her eyes. Shock, fear, and pain, in incomprehensible quantity, certainly. But crawling around it, realization. A dazzling realization of what they could have been. Together.

"I love you, Kate."

His tears mingled with hers as they hit her face. Her eyes closed.

**_T__o simple places we wanted to go_**

**_Two simple things you wanted to know_**

"Do not die, Kate Beckett."

The sound of her flatlining would haunt him till the day he died.

"Come on, Kate."

Please. Oh, God, please. She had to be okay.

Dialogue his brain couldn't process shot between Lanie and a medic. She jumped off the gurney to join him.

Lanie sobbed in to his chest as her friend was wheeled away.

Rick just stared; for it was his love… his life… dying just metres away from him, behind unyielding doors.

He could hear her voice in her head, her words. One of the first times she had struck a chord within him. That he understood her pain.

_The cop doesn't get to decide how the story ends._

He wasn't ready to let her story end yet.

Pulling away from him momentarily, Lanie took his hand. He gripped back tightly as if it were his lifeline.

**_Everything around I couldn't see_**

**_I wish I'd known how much you'd loved me_**

Of all the times to tell her how he felt. He couldn't stop the memories as they flooded back to him. The longing he felt. The missed opportunities.

"_Then why do you keep coming back, Rick?"_

"_And what about you, Rick?"_

Plucky sidekick. Partner. Friend.

"_You know what we are, Castle? We are over."_

His eyes stung as the words echoed through his skull. He let his head fall back against the hard hospital wall.

What a mess of things he had made.

**_Oh, we could feel this way forever_**

He slid the door open to her sterile white room. And there she lay, the image of broken perfection.

Her skin was ashy pale, no traces of colour to be found in the flawless contours of her face. Even like this, even so close to death, she was beautiful. He took solace in that.

There was tubing everywhere. She would hate that if she woke up. _When. _When she woke up. Surely soon. It had been hours.

"I'm so sorry, Kate." He murmured so softly that it was almost to himself, twisting his fingers in her hair. It was splayed across the sheets, contrasting too much with her pallid skin. Rick took her hand in his and bent down to brush his lips against her forehead.

"I'm sorry."

**_I watch the sun as it touches you while you sleep_**

**_You gave me something that I wanted to keep_**

Seconds, minutes, hours passed before her eyes opened. The first thing she saw was her father. That was fitting.

The second thing she saw was his face. For a heartbreaking moment, he thought she didn't recognise him. When her eyes softened, what seemed like a lifetime passed between them. Did she remember what he had said?

"You really scared me there, Katie." Jim's voice interrupted them. Broke the spell.

She turned her head a half-smiled at her father. She couldn't speak yet with the tube still in her throat.

Her eyelids fluttered and she looked at him again. Afraid.

"It's okay, Kate. Sleep." He muttered to her, stroking her hair. "We'll be right here."

Her left arm twisted weakly by her side so the palm was facing him. The intention was clear. He grasped it lightly.

Her eyes slid shut.

**_I see you smile like a little child_**

**_And hold you crying when it all goes wild_**

"It's not your fault, Rick." She was still weak, propped up against the pillows of her hospital bed. He was taken aback at her sudden start to the conversation. It was the subject on the tip of his tongue, and for the past week he'd been wondering how to broach it.

"I started this. I reopened the case."

She bit her lip, looking down. "It would have happened anyway."

"Not like this, Kate. Montgomery wouldn't have died. You wouldn't have gotten shot. If I hadn't been here – "

"If you hadn't been here, that temptation... that – how did you put it? – _rabbit hole_ would still have been there. Only difference is no-one would have been there to catch me if I fell." Her eyes shone with conviction.

Wordlessly, he touched her hand. A simple gesture of affection. She accepted the gesture.

"Thank you. For being there."

He pretended to shiver, lightening the mood. "Heard that before. I vaguely remember being… was it cold?"

Kate let out an easy laugh. It was a refreshing, familiar sound. He laughed with her. He liked this. The simplicity. The rhythm.

Then her lips turned down again. Serious. "I meant it, Rick. Then and now."

"So did I. I did start this, Kate. And I want you to know that I am truly sorry."

She wrapped her fingers around his hand. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

They shared a deeper look before she looked at him mischievously. "So do you think you could smuggle in a burger from Remy's? Hospital food…" She trailed off, making a face.

**_Oh, we could feel this way_**

They swung gently together. Kate held _Heat Rises _in her lap, flipping nonchalantly through the first pages, stopping suddenly at the dedication.

_To Captain Roy Montgomery, NYPD, for making a stand._

She twisted her hair around her fingers awkwardly. "He would've been honoured – a dedication in one of your books." Her attempt to maintain a light tone failed.

"I know, right. He must have been so jealous of you for nabbing those first two." The rosy pink her cheeks took on as he said this made him smile inwardly.

He watched her close the book with finality and look up. "I think there's something we've both been avoiding."

He nodded. "Go on."

"When I was… bleeding out… you leaned over me. And you said something."

Did she remember? His heart skipped a beat. He had assumed since she hadn't brought it up, she hadn't remembered. Or she hadn't felt the same way. He couldn't say anything as she'd woken up, slowly recovered. It wasn't the right time… It was never the right time to say something like that.

It had never been right until she'd been dying right in front of him. Until the time when he realised that maybe he'd never get to tell her again.

She continued to speak, her voice sounding strangled. "It was something I want to believe you said. I want to believe it more than anything. I keep asking myself whether you really said it. Or did I just think you did. I don't even know what I heard. So I have to ask you now. What did you say?"

Her eyes regarded him carefully. Now he could tell her. It was the right time. He just needed to say the words. "I told you to stay with me. To not leave me."

She dropped her gaze, her mouth pulled in to a tight line.

"And… that I love you." There. He had said it. He tried to gauge her reaction.

She looked up incredulously. Her entire face changed. She looked… peaceful. Content.

He shrugged his shoulders, trying to relieve the tension that had been building up in them. "So?"

"So… So I don't know. So I know I feel something for you. So I know I don't want to screw this up."

He tried to reach for her hand, but she pulled away. "Kate. There's nothing to screw up. Only one thing is important. Do you love me?"

"Yes." The answer came quickly. He felt his heart swell with hope. Then deflate slightly.

"I feel a 'but' coming."

"Always the writer, huh?" Kate sighed. "But I don't know if I can do this right now. I'm not ready."

He reached for her hand again, and this time, she let him take it. "I know."

"I came so close, Rick. I came so close to catching him. I have to get him. It's not even something I can control anymore. I _have _to. If I can't have that closure, I'm incomplete. I'm not… I can't…"

He stood up and pulled her off the swings. Any passer-by would have frowned at the two adults behaving like children on the swings.

"Shh." He put a finger to her lips. "I understand."  
>Kate looked up questioningly.<p>

"I understand, Kate. And I will help you find that closure."

"And then what?"

He cupped her chin in his hand and kissed her tenderly. It was fleeting, but left it's mark on her. Her mouth spread out in to a smile and touched his face in reply.

"So you'll wait for me?"

**_Forever._**

Always.

**Please review if you liked or want a continuation! Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.**

**Can't wait for RISE.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Slipping Away**

**I know that some people wanted a continuation, but this is more of an alternate perspective. Kate's perspective of the last chapter, with some alternative scenes. ****Again, you can ignore the song (Slipping Away - Moby)**

For the umpteenth time, she ran the brush through her hair. The long tresses lapped gently over her shoulders and she welcomed the familiarity. It could be any other day. She could go to work, tease the boys, cop some flack from Lanie about her love life and test her repertoire with Castle. Only she couldn't.

Lockwood escaping, countless sleepless nights, the unbearable fight with Castle, that night in the hangar, Castle forcibly pulling her away from her captain… _Roy. _She would never see him again. Tears misted in her eyes.

Where anyone else would have seen a stoic police officer, she saw weakness. In the mirror she could make out the masked fear, however much it tried to hide behind dress blues and indifferent eyes.

Pulling her fingers through her hair she tried – unsuccessfully – to pull her hair in to a bun.

Oh, to hell with it. Montgomery wouldn't have given a crap about what she looked like.

She pulled her cap over her head and made for the door.

_**All that we needed tonight**_

_**Are people who love us in life**_

She wished she could've echoed his, 'I love you,' right back to him. She wished she could've felt his lips on her own once more, for real. She wished she could turn back the clock to all those missed opportunities. She wished she could stay with him as he was begging her to conjure up the strength to do.

More than anything, she wished she didn't have to succumb to that inevitable darkness from which there could be no return.

_**I know how it feels to need**_

_**Oh when we leave here you'll see**_

Terrible, blinding pain. Oh god, it hurt everywhere. But her chest throbbed. And her _heart… _ached.

_You have no idea._

Roy had been right. Since day one he had been there. He had made her smile, have fun.

_You smell like cherries._

Blackness. Everywhere. But she could picture his face in her head. Through all the pain she could see him. Nodding to her, beckoning her towards him, his mouth moving to form words she couldn't hear.

_Someone I trust._

She fought. Oh hell, she fought hard. If she didn't… She wouldn't be upholding her end of the bargain. She wouldn't be there for him as he had been for her. She had promised him she would be.

_Always._

And so she would have to be.

_**Open to everything happy and sad**_

_**Seeing the good when it's all going bad**_

Seconds, minutes, hours passed before in her exhaustion she found the strength to lift her heavy eyelids. The first thing she saw was her father. That was appropriate.

The second thing she saw was his face. For a beautiful moment, she just immersed herself in his face. Took in his deep blue eyes, today not so playful as serious and tired. She tried to speak, but became acutely aware of a tube in her airway. She tried to communicate without words her emotions, and his eyes softened. What seemed like a lifetime passed between them. Had he really said that he loved her?

"You really scared me there, Katie." Her father's voice interrupted them. Broke the spell.

She turned her head slightly and even that slight motion drained at her strength. Tried to smile. It hurt a little.

Her eyelids struggled to remain open and she moved her head back to look at Castle again. She didn't want to go back in to the darkness. Terrified of the possibility of not waking again.

"It's okay, Kate. Sleep." He murmured to her, running his fingers through her hair. "We'll be right here."

His words blurred together, and it was all she could do to weakly twist her arm to face upward and feel it being grasped by a warm hand before her eyes slid shut.

_**Singing the song well I can't really see**_

_**Hoping the song will at least look at me**_

"I'm so sorry, Josh."

The surgeon nodded, eyes downcast. She had hurt him. _He_ had been right.

_Nowhere relationships with men you don't love_

"Why?"

She bit her lip. "It wasn't you. You were… everything I could have hoped for and more. But I couldn't."

"Is it because of _him?_" He said the words with a bitter edge, but gently. He hadn't pushed their relationship while she was still hospitalised. He had come when he could and she had accepted his presence. _Selfish. _She had taken from him when she could never give anything back.

"I'm sorry." She repeated.

Josh shook his head, and for a moment she thought he was going to lash out at her. Hell, she deserved it. But he leaned in to her and gave her an awkward hug. "Take care of yourself, Kate."

She nodded her thanks; it was heartbreaking because he had thought it could have been real. Then he stood up completely and left her side for the last time.

_**Focus on everything better today**_

_**All that I needed I never could say**_

…_and if you're very lucky you find someone willing to stand with you…_

_She stopped herself deliberately and turned to face him. He deserved that moment. He had proved over and over that he had._

…_our captain would want us to carry on the fight, and so…_

_SLAM. A bullet collided with her chest at the same time as Castle pushed her to the ground. She could feel blood seeping from her wound._

"_Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me. Please."_

_In her shock she saw only his eyes, glassy and afraid. A tear slipped down his cheek._

"_Stay with me, okay."_

_Her breath came out only in ragged gasps. Her eyes fluttered, and she felt tears stinging her own eyes._

"_Kate, I love you."_

_Their world stopped._

_She found it harder to breathe. His tear fell from his face and on to hers._

"_I love you, Kate."_

She startled herself awake. The memory had haunted her from the first night. Had he really said it? She hoped against hope that he had.

Sometimes hoping just wasn't enough though.

_**Hold on to people that are slipping away**_

"When I was… bleeding out… you leaned over me. And you said something."

He had said it, hadn't he? He must have. It was ingrained in her mind so definitively. It must've been a memory.

When she continued to speak, her voice sounded strangled, even to her own ears. "It was something I want to believe you said. I want to believe it more than anything. I keep asking myself whether you really said it. Or did I just think you did. I don't even know what I heard." She paused, letting out a breath she had been holding on to. "So I have to ask you now. What did you say?"

His eyes regarded her with an almost cautious air. "I told you to stay with me. To not leave me."

She felt deflated. It hadn't been true. It had been some kind of deception her mind had played on her to keep herself sane. To stop the tears spilling, she pulled her mouth in to a taut line.

But then he started to speak again.

"And… that I love you."

And there it was again. That blissful feeling, that cliché of being trapped in a world where it was only her and him. And god, she wouldn't mind it a bit.

She could see on his face that he was trying to gauge her reaction, so she indulged him. Smiling, taking him in. He looked so relieved… content.

He shrugged his shoulders. "So?"

_So? _He was right. So concerned she had been with what to do, how to deal with the horrible rejection had it not been real that she wasn't at all sure how to react now. So she offered him the truth. The careful, but honest truth. "So… So I don't know. So I know I feel something for you. So I know I don't want to screw this up."

He tried to reach for her hand, but she pulled away. "Kate. There's nothing to screw up. Only one thing is important. Do you love me?"

"Yes." The answer came quickly. She felt proud of herself for that. For telling him at long last. But…

"I feel a 'but' coming." She almost laughed aloud at the timing.

"Always the writer, huh?" She heaved a sigh, hoping she wouldn't despise him for what she was about to say. It was the best she could do, the only way she could make it work. It was all she could offer him, although he deserved a hell of a lot more. "But I don't know if I can do this right now. I'm not ready."

He reached for her hand again, and this time she let him take it. "I know."

"I came so close, Rick. I came so close to catching him. I have to get him. It's not even something I can control anymore. I _have _to. If I can't have that closure, I'm incomplete." She heard her own hopeless stutters, but she had to get this out. "I'm not… I can't…"

He stood and pulled her off the swings. Any passer-by would have frowned at the two of them behaving like children on the swings.

"Shh." He put a finger to her lips. "I understand."  
>She looked up at him. She had expected some sort of resistance, some hint of not quite anger, but disappointment.<p>

"I understand, Kate. And I will help you find that closure." Her heart swelled at his words. He certainly deserved more.

"And then what?" She couldn't resist asking the question with a touch of slyness in her voice.

He cupped her chin in his hand and kissed her tenderly. It was fleeting, but left its mark on her. Her mouth spread out in to a smile and touched his face in reply. She could _feel_ for the first time since she had been shot.

She didn't need to run anymore. She could stop and catch her breath here. Here, she could stand. And there he would be, standing right beside her.

_**Hold on to this while it's slipping away**_

I love you.

**A/N: I think I'm going to have to leave it at that.**

**I would really like to have been able to continue, but I don't think I can. It would mean writing a case, and I fail miserably at that, as is evidenced by my previous fanfics. Also, I like to write based on the information I have, and currently we know what happened in my story didn't happen, so it's hard to just ignore that and hope.**

**As it is, I hope this is what the two of them were _thinking_ during Rise. Thanks for reading and reviewing (another would be great!)**


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